Return to Frogtown

Customer Reviews:

I Want A Beer And A Side Of Flies..........2006-11-01

"Return to Frogtown" is a sequel about frogs once again trying to conquer the world. I give it three stars for camp value (it is far better than the subsequent "Toad Warrior.") This film follows the adventures of the "Texas Rocket Rangers" and their attempt to quell discipline problems in Frogtown. Right off the bat Ranger John Jones (Lou Ferrigno,) gets captured by the frogs and is given frog serum to start the transformation process by a weasely scientist, Professor Tanzer, who reminded me of Carrot Top, though without the charm, intellect, or eloquence. More Rangers are dispatched including Robert Z'Dar (whose chin is truly of epic proportions) and "Dr. Spangle," who gets to partially undress and dance for Czar Frogmeister (who sits under an old fashioned hairdryer with a vacuum cleaner hose protrusion, in an ultra cheap Darth Vader knockoff) in a scene of truly disturbing proportions.

Along the way the plot evolves to have many subcomponents. I greatly enjoy the crabby Chief Ranger "Captain Delano" (Charles Napier, a character actor everyone will recognize,) a computer named "F.U.Z.Z.Y." which is an automated bleached blonde (the acronym is never revealed, unless I was dozing,) a disco scene featuring the dialogue that makes up my title for the review, and a rapping frog band ("I'm mean, I'm green....") For sheer disturbing, though, nothing can rival the least appealing love scene in movie history in which Robert Z'Dar romances a frog.

Ironically Ferrigno turns a beautiful shade of Hulk green and gets strong enough to break the bars of his jail cell in yet another throwback to earlier works in the genre. The film features dune buggy races, and the lamest rocket backpacks since Commando Cody ("The King of the Rocketmen") took to the screen decades ago. The helmet of the suit is about the silliest thing I have ever seen, and makes whoever is wearing it look like a flying Duck Billed Platypus. Ultimately the film ends in a long shootout, the mystery of Czar Frogmeister is revealed (it is even dumber than you expect,) and the Rangers get a very annoying apprentice which foreshadows the screen presence of "Rollergator."

The film is (obviously) not well made, but unlike many other films in the genre it has a combination of bizarre quirkiness and high camp value that make it enjoyable to the connoisseur of trash cinema.

Not as good as the first, but still kind of fun.......2003-10-14

Fans of Hell Comes to Frogtown will be a little disappointed in this one. Sam Hell is back, but this time he is not played by Roddy Piper, but by the amazingly jawed Robert Z'Dar.

Sam is now a member of the Texas Rocket Rangers (guys with jet packs and really silly helmets). He has been assigned to find a missing ranger who was shot down. The missing ranger is played by Lou Ferigno (of Hulk fame) and in this move he still turns green.

Sam and his partner must rescue the ranger and make sure Frogtown does not learn how the jet pack works. The also run into a crazy scientist (Brion James) and the new local warlord and Commander Toady.

The plot is silly and the world seems to bear little resemblance to the first (the men seem to be back in charge). Sam also has a tendency to be knocked out by the slightest of hits. This movie is action oriented and forgoes the sex and nudity of the first.

Customer Reviews:

Make the bad man stop!.......2007-08-02

Hey there, Patriarch here. I know the question on all my fan's minds, "Patriarch, why do you subject yourself to such bad movies!?" The answer is simple. Because I like bad movies! I'd take an honest attempt to make a film by a dedicated autor long before I'd watch some of Hollywood's pablum.

However, maybe it's because I've built up an immunity to bad movies. But every now and then I encounter a new strain of badness in film. Something so awful, so horrible that I fall prey to it's symptoms and have no natural defenses against it.

This disc happens to be a one two punch of this new strain and I'll admit it. Your's truly was bedridden for almost a week after watching these. And I never even finished one of them. Doctor's orders: DO NOT attempt to watch these movies back to back. I can't be held responsible for your actions.

I'm feeling ill already, so I better get on with this. The first movie: Return to Frogtown. The acid reflux is already beginning to creep up my throat. The blurb for this movie says, this movie teaches children morals by setting an example. This is a lie. This person should be fired because they obviously could not stomach this movie and LIED IN THE BLURB. This is not a children's movie and if you think having sex with women you just met, that are OF A DIFFERENT SPECIES THEN YOU is moral then you have problems.

Okay Frogtown is really just another B movie blooper that tried to cash in on the success of it's B movie predecessor, Hell comes to frogtown. Instead it's just an hour and a half of well nonsense really. It was so bad that I suffered real pain. I think it was trying to cash in on the success of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but with frogs instead. They often bad mouth turtles in this movie. At one point they sing this song, it is so bad, that goes...(read at own risk)

"Meaner and greener/talking turtle TV dinner/meaner and greener/the way its gotta be." The lyrics are so bad and the music so bad that...hold on...

Ok I'm back. I was just physically ill just thinking about it. Also in this movie as I previously hinted upon. A man has sex with a frogwoman. "You ever made it with a greener before?" she asks. This is disgusting. I hated this movie so much but I finished it dammit! I hope I built up an immunity to movies this bad.

Next on this movie is Jacob two two. One of the few movies that Patriarch could not stomach. I was not man enough to handle this movie and turned it off. To be fair, this movie unlike the other, is a child's movie. I still don't think it is suitable for children though. I mean my brother borrowed this movie and he couldn't finish it either! How long is this movie? WE watched it for what seemed like forever and he watched it even longer than I did but we still couldn't finish it. Time has no meaning while you are watching it.

The movie starts out with this whiny kid that says everything two times. Oh just what I needed, Johnny two-times-The movie(see my Goodfellas review.) Then he whines to his father to let him go to the store. Then we get the first song of the film. "Two firm red tomatoes." It is bad. Then he is at the store and whines that he wants two firm red tomatoes. It is then that we realize the Jacob lives in hell. The shopkeeper just mocks him for some reason. I mean he doesn't let up. So poor jacob runs to the basement and hides(!?) There is dreams up some idea about going to court and being tried for something. Ice Cube is the judge. Do you want Ice Cube in a children's movie. No. No you don't. He raps at the child. And like the shopkeeper, he is dissing jacob like crazy and just doesn't let up. The rap goes something like this.

"You're disgusting, pitiful, whiny, piece of garbage./ You're pathetic, a loser, you deserve to die.

I had to leave at that point. I couldn't handle it anymore. And remember, I had just finished Frogtown. My brother tells me it only gets worse. I'm sorry everybody, but I have to sign off now. DO NOT WATCH THESE MOVIES!

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